


I Wouldn't Have It Any Other Way

by Sasa_Q



Category: Star Trek: Deep Space Nine
Genre: And Garak still loves him, Julian is transgender, Lizard boyfriend affirms your gender, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-24
Updated: 2020-05-24
Packaged: 2021-03-03 10:08:17
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,251
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24349273
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sasa_Q/pseuds/Sasa_Q
Summary: Julian has a confession for Garak... he wasn't born a man.
Relationships: Julian Bashir/Elim Garak
Comments: 9
Kudos: 86





	I Wouldn't Have It Any Other Way

It was a fine day on Deep Space Nine, and Garak and Julian were sitting in the replimat together, chatting as they ate lunch. Garak was telling Julian about a rude customer he'd had that week. Julian was smiling that impossibly sweet smile of his, the one he made that Garak couldn't resist.

"That reminds me of someone who came into the infirmary yesterday," said Julian, taking a drink from his glass. "He insisted that nothing was wrong with him, but when I ran diagnostics, it showed that he had just suffered a minor heart attack. And he didn't alert anyone or go to the infirmary! Can you imagine having a heart attack and refusing to tell anyone about it?"

"Yes," said Garak. "Why should I reveal such a weakness?"

"Because you might die!" Julian said, astonished.

"Well, if I felt I was going to die, I'd tell you, wouldn't I?" Garak said. On a whim, he reached across the table and held Julian's hand. Julian couldn't possible imagine how much gestures like that meant to Garak. Cardassians were similar to Vulcans in that touching someone with one's hands was very meaningful. The texture and the warmth of Julian's skin was perfect to Garak.

But for some reason, Julian's smile faded. "Elim," he said, "are you done eating?"

"Yes," said Garak, confused. "But I have more time I can spend with you before I ought to reopen my shop. Wouldn't you like to-?"

"I need to tell you something, Elim," he said. His voice and face were serious. "In private."

Instantly, Garak's mind began whirling through all sorts of horrible scenarios: Julian is sick and he's dying. Julian's leaving Deep Space Nine and never coming back. Julian wants to break up with you.

"Are you... all right, doctor?" asked Garak carefully.

"Oh, I'm fine," said Julian. His eyes did not agree. "Come to my quarters? Please?"

"Of course, if you want," said Garak. The two of them stood and left the replimat. Garak knew the way to Julian's quarters. He had memorized it from the times Julian had invited him there before. But, for some reason, he followed Julian like he had no idea where he was going.

The door opened, and Julian and Garak entered the room. "Doctor, your quarters are a mess!" declared Garak. "There's clothes everywhere, and did you spill something on the floor?"

Julian cracked a smile. "I promise I'm neater when it comes to my line of work," he said.

"I'll take comfort in that," said Garak. There was a moment of silence. "So?"

Julian sat down at the foot of his bed. "Garak, I've got something to tell you," he said. "Something you might not like."

He's breaking up with you! Garak thought. This is happening! It's actually happening! He doesn't like you anymore! "Yes?" Garak said. To his embarrassment, his voice cracked, and he felt his face get hot.

"Garak, have you heard of the term 'transgender'?" asked Julian.

"Yes. It's not exactly a common thing," said Garak, not knowing where he was going with this. "Actually, it's discouraged on Cardassia. So. Transgender people wish to transition to a different gender than the one they were born with, yes?"

"Yes," said Julian. "Garak, what I'm trying to tell you is... I'm transgender. I wasn't born... male."

Garak felt his eyes widen. "Oh," was all he could say. Suddenly, he felt horribly, horribly selfish for thinking that Julian was going to break up with him. It's not all about you, Garak, he told himself. "I... uh... didn't know." He felt a bit stupid, not knowing what to say.

"I confess to doing some research," said Julian, "and I found out that you Cardassians, er... don't like transgender people. That they're put in psychotherapy and their voices are silenced. Because they're not happy with the gender they were given by the state." His head dropped, and his gaze turned to his hands, twisted in his lap. "I was... well, I was worried that you would think the same. That you think I'm an abomination. A mistake. That you would think less of me. That you wouldn't want to be with me anymore. That you would think I'm not... not a real man."

"I don't know what to say," said Garak, which was true.

Julian looked up at him and suddenly Garak realized that Julian was crying. "Well?" he said. Stray tears rolled down his cheeks. "Do you think that?"

Garak paused for a second and then hesitantly sat down beside Julian on the bed. He held out a hand and, with equal hesitation, Julian took it. "Doctor," he began. Then he started over. "Julian," he said. "I would never think any of that about you."

"Really?" Julian said. "Because-"

"No," Garak interrupted him. "I might be Cardassian, but that doesn't mean I hate everyone Cardassians are supposed to. Besides," he said, "Cardassians aren't very fond of men like me either."

"I transitioned when I was training to be a doctor. I've been taking hormones for a few years now," Julian said. "And I had... surgery, on my chest. I knew I had to tell you before we became, er, intimate, because I haven't had... all the surgeries."

"Oh," said Garak.

"Do you... do you mind?" asked Julian. "I wouldn't want to make you feel uncomfortable in our relationship. If you don't like me the way I am, I won't mind if you left... Well, actually, yes, I would mind, but..."

"My dear doctor," said Garak, "are you out of your mind?"

Julian looked up at him. There were still tears in his wide eyes. "What do you mean?" he asked.

"I would never leave you for a reason as trivial as this," said Garak.

"But don't you want a real man?" Julian asked.

"Julian!" Garak said. "You are a real man. You are because you say you are. And I know you are. Nothing could ever change that. I want to be with you, Julian, and I don't care what that entails." He wrapped his arm around Julian. "Put the thought out of your mind."

"Are you sure?" said Julian.

"Julian," said Garak, "of course I'm sure." He found one of Julian's hands and squeezed it, hands palm to palm in a Cardassian kiss.

"I was so scared to tell you," Julian confessed. "I was sure you'd say that you didn't want to be with me anymore."

"Than you don't know me quite as well as you thought you did," said Garak.

The two stayed like that, embracing, for quite some time. Eventually, Garak said softly, "I should get back to the shop."

They unraveled themselves from each other. "When will I see you again?" asked Julian.

"Tonight?" asked Garak, standing. Julian stood too. "I promise my quarters are cleaner than yours."

Julian chuckled. "I'll see you tonight, then," he said.

"Tonight," said Garak. Impulsively, he leaned in and kissed Julian the human way, mouth to mouth. Julian tasted like the tea he had been drinking at lunch. Garak liked it. Julian's lips were soft and warm. Perfect. He was perfect. Garak knew it was bad to idolize someone that way, but Julian was perfection to him. And nothing could change that.

Garak turned to go. When he was almost out the door, Julian said, "Elim?" Garak turned. "Thank you."

"My dear," said Garak, "there's nothing to thank me for. I should be thanking you for trusting me." And he turned and left.

Tonight, he thought.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading! I would really appreciate it if you left a comment. LLAP! :}


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